Life on Fire
Synopsis: A young woman’s fire could destroy all she holds dear from the inside out.
The smoke and the flames burned my eyes, stung my nostrils. I wanted to see it, I wanted to smell and take in the pain, the punishment. I wanted to fully engage this emotion with every sensory outlet in my body. I deserved it. I needed the closure. These units were filled with boxes, belongings, with life and other people’s lives. One of the units burning contained us and our memories. I hoped as I watched our belongings burn I could purge the pain that seeped out of every pore in my body.
***
He entered my world during a difficult time in my life. My husband’s business was birthed, which for some inexplicable reason thrust me into a personal crossroads and crisis. I was changing and the external stress in our world masked the symptoms. We packed up what we needed of our four thousand square foot suburban home and took the profits from the sale of the house for the company. We moved to a quaint apartment downtown. The rest of our life’s belongings and memories were crammed into a storage unit.
I met him there, at the small storage unit next to our own. I remember when I pulled around the corner he was standing just outside about to raise the door. He saw my car and startled, slamming the door that was partially opened back to the ground. I tried to put him at ease by smiling and waving as I backed into the parking spot. He stood, smiled shyly and waved back. He was 6 foot something with an athletic body. His eyes were as blue and clear as a perfect mid-summer sky. He was wearing a black baseball cap on his head and an oversized white t-shirt draped over his frame. The skin on his face was pock marked with scars, marking what I assumed was a fierce bout with acne during adolescence. A cigarette hung loosely from his lips. As I stepped out of the car, our eyes locked and just as quietly and quickly so did our souls.
“Hi neighbor. I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m Jen.”
Removing the cigarette from his perfectly shaped lips he allowed the smile that had begun forming to spread across his face as he extended his hand, “Justin. Nice to meet you. What brings you and your fancy car here? Isn’t this a place for half-way transients like myself?”
“Ha, hardly! It’s for hard working business owners who give up everything, save a scrap of their sanity, for a new business venture.”
“Uh huh.” He said as he took me in inch by inch, “Do you want a hand unloading your car? You never know might salvage a bit of your sanity.”
It seemed a friendly offer and since I was intrigued by this stranger I agreed. The rest of our conversation was easy and rapidly turned flirtatious. I began to sense the chemistry and tension stirring. I was electrified by him and terrified at the same time. I was a married woman. No man since my husband Bryant had so adeptly been able to knife into my psyche.
Once the last box was unloaded he turned to me and lightly cupping my elbow with his hand caught my eye. I knew then. Something became clear to both of us during that fleeting touch.
“I’ll be seeing you neighbor?”
“I hope so.”
From that moment forward I found myself a fool, a light hearted school girl. I often caught myself thinking of him and our chance meeting. I knew I was standing at the threshold of something enticing and reckless. I couldn’t reconcile the two extremes and instead of fleeing the situation I dug in, stubbornly.
I ran into Justin again a couple weeks later. He was leaning up against the shared wall between our units. My heart drummed wildly against the cavity of my chest. His lips parted as I pulled in, it seemed he’d been expecting me.
“Jen.”
“Fancy meeting you again! What are you doing here?”
“Probably the same thing as you. A need.”
Instantly I sensed the implications of that statement. Yes, a need, on so many different levels. My cheeks burned reflecting the flame igniting in the pit of my stomach. I needed to find out what was driving this insanity in me, making a fool of my rationale. I wanted to explore this feeling. I needed to get closer to him.
“I’m constantly realizing I packed too many of my ‘needs’ into this shed.” I said as I stooped over to unlock and raise the door. He was quiet for a minute while he watched me and when I stood he was facing me.
His eyes softened as he reached for my hand, “Look, I’m not great at playing the conventional games or charades that many play when it comes to boy likes girl. It’s a waste of time. I like you. It’s crazy to come out and say it this soon but it’s the way I am. Cut to the chase. If you’re not interested I won’t chase.”
What? Was this really happening? Did I hear that right? His blunt honesty caught me off guard like a slap in the face. I stopped thinking clearly, stopped thinking at all. I knew I needed to respond but my mind was like grid lock traffic. Nothing was moving. So instead of speaking I pressed up against him and melted into his kiss and embrace.
He gently eased back. “You’re not much for games either?”
There wasn’t much conversation between us after that. The relationship was almost entirely physical. We worked out a schedule of random times to meet at our units. Ironically we often ended up on the couch Bryant and I had first made out on. We would animalisticly go at it in the dark with the beams of sunlight streaming in around the closed door. What he could do to me was as close to an out of body experience as I’ve come. What we had was not only skin deep but spiritual. No words were necessary we just knew how to move through the dance of physical love together. I was crazy about him. I was going crazy but it felt right. It seemed as though he needed this as much as I did.
Over time my curiosity about Justin aroused. I wanted to know his likes, dislikes, emotions. I wanted to get to him like he was getting to me. The physical pull without the emotional connection was already stronger than gravity. It was too late to go back and my appetite for him increased, I wanted more. One afternoon while he was holding me in warm afterglow I just asked him,
“Tell me more about yourself.”
“Okay. That’s random and general. What do you want to know?”
“I don’t know like, what do you do for work? Do you have a girlfriend? What do you like to eat? Something about you. I don’t even know what’s in your storage shed over there.”
“What the hell? Where is this coming from Jen? Some things, especially in affairs, are best left unspoken. I haven’t asked you to explain away that wedding set on your left hand.”
“You know I would explain if that’s what you wanted but you already have a decent glimpse into my world. We ‘rendezvous’ in my storage unit. You’ve seen my stuff. You know I’m married. All I know about you is that you’re here every week that your name is Justin and we have mind-blowing sex. Why is it such a big deal? ‘I like you’ usually equals I want to know more about you. I never see your unit door open, I never see you in there. I don’t know who you really are and what this is really about.”
“Baby, relax. Showing you next door will tell you more about me than you probably wish to know.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “And I’m not sure you’ll like what you see.”
“Really? I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to keep me away from you.”
He sighed, “Next time we can light it up over there. Name the day and time. No more questions now.”
“Tomorrow evening? Eight-ish?”
“You’re not eager at all. Today wasn’t enough eh?” He teased as he traced the outline of my bare breasts. It was a clear indication that he was finished conversing.
In the beginning Bryant didn’t question my oddly quiet and introspective mood around the apartment. He was preoccupied with the new business and I played it off as an adjustment phase. He never really questioned why I constantly found reasons to go back to the storage unit as often as I did. I crammed our little apartment full of unnecessary and trivial items. He seemed slightly amused by it all and just reconciled it to adaptation, grieving perhaps and making the most of an uncomfortable season. But the night I was to meet Justin and see his unit Bryant seemed concerned. Suspicions were percolating. I don’t know if it was the time of day I picked or the way I had been behaving over the last month. But he had finally had enough.
“Bry I’m just going to the gym for a quick workout and then over to the storage unit to pick up some books I’ve been missing.”
“When will it be enough? You’ve got to stop unpacking our storage unit. You’re out of control. Have you looked at how overcrowded this place is?”
And for the first time I did. Our house was a disorganized disaster, a mess that a month or more ago would have sent me into a cleaning frenzy.
“I guess I hadn’t noticed.”
“Haven’t noticed?” he was incredulous. “Well notice this. You’re not yourself anymore. I don’t know if it’s the stress or the newness of all this but I feel like you’re checked out.”
The blow of reality stung. I’d been living in a fantasy induced dream world for over a month. I didn’t even recognize myself. Looking at him I could easily read the love and frustration on his face. What would happen to me, to us if he ever found out about Justin? Not only was my apartment a disaster but my heart was too.
“Honey…? What?” he was loosing his poise.
“I need some space. Can we talk about this later?”
He shrugged as if trying to roll the frustration off, “Yeah, when should I expect you home?”
“I don’t know.”
“I figured.” He hugged me, “Be safe and let me know when you know.”
I grabbed my purse and keys and headed for the door. I arrived at the storage facility early. I sat there in the pale moonlight trying to figure out what I was going to say to Justin and if I should even stay. The pull of need locked me in place, one more time, just one last experience to remember him by. I wanted to at least say good bye. His silhouette emerged from the shadows, cigarette in hand.
“Hi beautiful.”
“Hi.”
“What’s wrong baby?”
“No more questions right?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to be so,” he paused, his piercing eyes locking into mine “defensive.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t mean to push you. I just, I really care about you and wanted to know more. But you’re right. I’m married. I –.”
“Are we breaking up?”
“Not yet, at least not before I get to see your unit.”
Our laughter melted the tension.
“I’m afraid of the emotions I’m starting to feel for you. I thought I could handle just sex but maybe…” He cut me off before I could finish.
“It’s mutual.”
He stooped down and started to unlock his storage unit. Lifting the door I could see boxes and just beyond that the legs of several tables. As the door came up it revealed tables fully loaded with discarded soda bottles attached to tubes, jars, beakers, and chemicals. A pair of rubber gloves lay to the side of one table. There were propane tanks and things I couldn’t even describe. The fumes stung my nostrils.
“What is all of this?”
“It’s my need. I’m a scientist of sorts.”
“Why do you need a storage unit to practice science?”
“My labs aren’t the legal variety Jen.”
And it didn’t take me but a second after that to put the pieces together.
“Meth?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t look like a meth user. I mean...”
“I don’t use it anymore. I just sell it. I’m addicted to the rush of danger and adrenaline when a deal goes well and the cash. It’s more than enough to support me. That’s what I do for work. This is it Jen. Didn’t I tell you I don’t play games?”
“I can’t, I don’t want to be involved.”
“You asked girl. And it’s too late, you are involved now. I’m showing you because of your curiosity. In a sense we’re even. I’m just a substance like Meth that you’re using. Am I wrong? You’re not planning to leave your marriage for me. You’re here for the rush, the adrenaline, the arousal.”
I was speechless. This was so much more than I was equipped to digest and handle at the pace it was coming. Headlights flashed outside the storage unit. Another small car pulled around the corner. Justin panicked.
“Shit!” he grabbed my arm and yanked me forward. I could see that the headlights of the car belonged to Bryant and my heart began beating in my ears.
“Shit,” I whispered. “That’s Bryant.”
Just as we knew how to read each other intimately we knew how to read the implications of the situation in hundredths of a second. He let go of my arm. Our eyes met for the last time and he whispered,
“I believe I have now fulfilled all my gentlemanly obligations to you. I’ll miss this.” He flicked his still burning cigarette into the shed and slammed the door closed.
Before I could respond Bryant was speaking. I couldn’t comprehend the sound. I don’t know if it was the smoke or the tears it all happened so fast. I turned my head but couldn’t focus. I turned back and Justin was slipping into the shadows. And then there was a pop, an explosion. Bryant pulling me to safety. Another explosion. The stench and the flames.
In a matter of minutes emergency vehicles arrived. The fire crew pushed us back behind the perimeter they were quickly establishing with yellow tape. I watched the inferno rise to lick the night and the darkness taking with it my memories and belongings. The flames reached the darkest corners of my soul. The questions that followed: the Authorities’ questions, Bryant’s questions, my own. I wouldn’t, couldn’t respond to any, save one.
“His name?”
“Just–…Neighbor.” I wanted to buy him time because I was involved.
